Let’s face it. If you serve on a church safety team, hopefully, you’re learning that training is absolutely essential. As it has often been said, People do not rise to the occasion: they sink to the level of their training.

But training may be a “time” issue for you. If you work 8 to 5, it’s difficult to find the time to attend any kind of training courses. If you use vacation time, that eats away at those days you’re saving up to take the family on a trip. And Saturday may be your only day off, and there’s yard work to be done. You have little interest in training when the weekend rolls around.

Still, though, training is essential.

And when it comes to Verbal De-escalation, training is absolutely necessary. Having the skills to calm someone down does not come naturally. You have to practice it often before it finds its way into your “muscle memory.” NEVER FORGET THIS: Your verbal de-escalation skills are the “weapon” you will use more than any other. Thus, training in this area is a must.

I have met many guys and gals who serve on church safety teams who simply were not that good at de-escalation. Truth be told, some of them are just downright awful. Some have even been known to make matters worse. I can remember working with certain police officers (when I was an officer) whose lack of de-escalation skills actually increased the tension at an already heated scene!

But, fortunately, there is a way you can “train” in this matter and still reserve your Saturdays for you and the family.

And it is … FREE.

I realized I couldn’t attend training as often as I needed. But my eyes were soon opened. I came to see that in the course of everyday conversations I could “practice” my verbal skills. I decided to “use” the people in my life to serve as my trainers.

Every single encounter with human beings became an opportunity to … train.

For example, I realized my best “teacher” could be my wife. And then my children. Then my friends - and even my foes.

Implementing this kind of training has greatly enhanced my de-escalation skills. The result has also enabled me to be a better listener. My wife has even noticed.

So, when I converse with her or others, I force myself to practice what I know to be effective.

Here are my tips:

When she wants to talk, I “drop” everything else. I put the phone down (I PUT THE PHONE DOWN!). When I drop all else, it indicates to her that I am determined to listen.
- If you’re dealing with someone at church who is upset, it is essential that you give them your undivided attention. If you’re on the phone while they're venting, you are telling them they're not worth your time. This is highly offensive, and may even result in escalating the matter.
My body faces her when she talks. This is an indicator to her (or whoever you’re speaking with) that you intend to hear them. It tells them you are taking them seriously.
I try not to allow my eyes to wander about. If they do wander, I’m telling her “I’m not interested in what you’re saying.” Thus, do your best to keep your eyes on the one with whom you are speaking.
Occasionally interrupt, and say to them: “Am I hearing you say that…” Simply repeat to them what they have said to you. This, like the other tips, reveals even more to the person that you are listening to what they say. As a matter of fact, they’ll be impressed. Why? Because you’re making it clear to them that their life matters.

My police chief once gave me some great advice along these lines. He reminded me that many of the calls we respond to are not criminal matters, and no police action can be taken (such as a civil matter). However, he said, “…if we just LISTEN to them, half of the time they will think we’ve solved their problem!”

In 35 years of police work, I witnessed time and again that this was true. PEOPLE …WANT … TO … BE … HEARD!

I remember one night getting into a heated argument with my son. I can still see his face; it was blood red. Exasperated, I shouted at him, “What do you want from me, boy?”

I’ll never forget his reply. With tears streaming down his cheek, he said, “Dad, I want you to … LISTEN.”

I was humiliated.

I remember another night, actually an early morning. My wife came to bed at about 3:00 a.m. “What are you thinking? You have to be at work in five hours,” I said. She crawled into bed and then mumbled, “A teenager wanted to talk.”

I shouldn’t be surprised that my children usually sought her out first when trouble came their way. They knew she would LISTEN, whereas dad would always TALK (and offer advice). Mom used her ears: dad ran his mouth.

Lastly, never forget the counsel of King Solomon in Proverbs 15:1 - “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It’s quite sobering to realize that our words have such power. It was said of Jesus that those who heard Him speak were, “…amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips.” May that be our legacy.

Start practicing these things at home. Do them often. Be intentional about it. Before long, these mannerisms will work their way into your muscle memory, and they’ll start to become more natural, as opposed to being forced.

ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO CHURCH SAFETY SEMINAR - MONDAY NIGHT, NOVEMBER 7. CLICK HERE FOR INFO.

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